Ten Writing Styles Evolved on the Internet That Need To Go

Read on as I take a break from Vietnam-expat-life writing to get snarky.

The only constant is change, and language is no exception. Words and their meanings are ever evolving, a reflection of the needs, desires, and behaviors of speakers, writers, and readers of that language. This evolution often happens to the joy of some (e.g., the addition of “yooper” to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary in 2014 for my boyfriend and his family, who are from Escanaba, Michigan—his mom got him a t-shirt emblazoned with “yooper” and its definition across the chest shortly after the news came out) and to the dismay of others (see: jegging).

Digital culture in particular has played a large role in the English language’s recent evolution: more additions to Merriam-Webster in the past two years include catfish, crowdfunding, digital divide, net neutrality, and NSFW. However, new establishment-recognized words aren’t the only way that language can evolve. I’ve noticed increasing usage of the following forms of internet writing, most frequently in photo captions or status updates on social media, all of which I find to be problematic.

1. Squad goals. Taylor Swift popularized this term, meaning “the ultimate group of friends” in her vernacular, but there seems to be a teeny bit of confusion. Some people use #squadgoals to comment on things they’d like their group of friends to accomplish together (as Bustle defined it in May: http://www.bustle.com/articles/84734-what-does-squad-goals-mean-heres-what-you-should-know-about-this-term). Others use this caption on photos depicting things that their group of friends is actively accomplishing, for example, skinny dipping. And still others comment on photos of their friends with #squadgoals to convey that they’d like to hang out with this group of people, maybe next time they’re all at a wedding together. The point is, this phrase is basically meaningless, and nobody should be allowed to use it other than Caroline Goldfarb of @officialseanpenn Instagram fame, who uses it to caption photos depicting improbable groups of celebrities hanging out. (examples here and here). This is allowed because @officialseanpenn is a wonderfully colorful stoner celebrity commentary of an account, entertaining even for those who don’t care what celebrities do in their free time. At least that’s how I choose to look at it. Fortunately this phrase’s death bell is tolling because Ryan Seacrest is going to make Squad Goals into a television sitcom, and it can’t be cool after that.
2. This guy. Used more frequently than its counterpart “This girl.”, because it tends to be used by women more than men, this caption says, “Stop and look at this person that I love because I just so happened to take a pretty cool picture of him/her/us.” At this point, I would like to refer you to the definition of caption and suggest that the next time you consider using this caption, just go without one entirely.
   
3. Humans. As in “These humans are so important to me!” and “What an amazing group of humans.” Since when did we get so formal about our species? What’s next, homo sapiens? Continue to use this and say “myself” when you’re included in your own list, and people, I mean humans, will definitely think you’re super smart. (Note: Appropriate usage of “myself” explained.)
   
4. Dat ________ doe. Common example: “Dat ass doe.” Also under scrutiny: That _____ tho, and any and all other derivatives. This one should be avoided because, at least in its earlier stages, it was most frequently used to comment on a woman’s physique. If you find something pleasing, there are plenty of other words and phrases available for you to use. Hell, break out a thesaurus and expand your vocabulary.
   
5. My person. See #2.
   
6. So this happened. Also see #2.
7. Periods. After. Every. Word. I get it. You want to add emphasis to what you’re saying. But the staccato effect in my head is overly dramatic and over used and feels like a slow, dull drill to my brain. Let’s stick with either poetry or prose.
8. Here is my caption #andthisiswhereicommentonsaidcaption #likeaconversationwithmyself #beatyoutothepunch #fall #stickers #peautbutterrecipe #whateveryouretemptedtotypenextjustdont. Because I’ve worked in social media, I would like to take this time to remind everyone about the purpose of a hashtag: search ability. Hashtags allow you to find photos or posts about similar topics, and, due to privacy settings on Facebook, remain most useful for Twitter and Instagram. I know you think you’re being pithy and cute when you use an extended hashtag or hashtag series as part of your Facebook caption, but let’s just try writing a better, more functional caption next time.
9. So today? Today I had a day. But for me? For me it was awesome. Do yourself a favor and stop asking yourself questions in the mirror, recording the conversation on your device, and publishing it for the world to see.

Call me a curmudgeon ahead of my time if you’d like. I just can’t help but think of a lunch and learn that I sat through as an intern at National Geographic, with a famous feature writer as the speaker. He had started out as a caption writer for the magazine. That was all he did—write useful captions to help readers understand the photos they were viewing, all within a tight word count so that they could fit into the magazine’s layout. It was something you had to perfect if you wanted to work your way up the ladder. This profession still exists, perhaps in a less respected way, because digital publications tag their photos so that search engines can help people find what they’re looking for.

My point is, I enjoy when captions have a purpose, and when status updates or tweets are informative or funny or thoughtful. But more often, they’re so stylized their only use is to help keep my social media scrolling as mindless as I’d hoped it’d be.

“You forgot your tenth complaint,” you’re thinking, you savvy, discerning reader.

    10.  Listicles. Writers can’t seem to argue a solid point anymore without using lists.